First off, I want to thank everyone who sent me supportive e-mails- you'll never know how much a comfort it was to me to know that I'm not alone.

Now- to those few right-wing stragglers who sent BS e-mails crowing about my "weakness," in admitting what I did- I have only a hearty "screw you" to offer as a response. My only weakness was to let the hatred that the Bush bowl has sown across our nation and our world sink in, and control me. For a few weeks, I became one of them, and let me tell you- it's a sick, sick thing to fall into their world.

Yes- I'm depressed, but that doesn't mean I hate myself, or that I, for one moment, felt myself unsure in my beliefs. Further- depression isn't insanity- Hell- any sane american can't help but be depressed, these days: Skyrocketing poverty, a growing gap between rich and poor- a war without end, and a patently insane and callous government that refuses to acknowledge reality...

Anyone who is perfectly happy, when we find ourselves mired within this calamity and misery- well- they're the crazy ones, and while sanity, sometimes, comes with a burden that is hard to bear- it is in those times when our mettle is put to the test.

In 2003, those of us who knew what was certain to come were on the defensive- and we were a tiny minority- derided and defiled.

When just about every other media outlet and internet outpost had surrendered to the Bush lie, a few of us stood firm, and said "this will not stand". Like Leonidas and the few greeks who guarded the gates of Thermopylae, we stood against the horde, and we never gave an inch.

Unlike Leonidas, we have prevailed- and now, we need to take the offensive. The colorful and grotesque cinematics of "300" have nothing to compare with the efforts that we have all put forth, in recent years. There is much to be remedied, and much to be repaired in this battered and bruised nation, as the assault continues...

But if we are to to hold true to the promise that we wish for those who come after us, we must not ever give up.

And I will never- ever- give up. I will live to see this poisonous legacy buried, and reviled, for generations to come.

I have decided that, after seeing dozens of head shrinks, and shoving dozens of overpriced medications down my throat, to take a different tack towards my depression. After doing a lot of informed research, I've put myself of a vitamin regimen of folic acid, and multiple B vitamins, and wouldn't ya know it- even though it's been only a week since I started, I feel much, much better- but...

I have to look after myself, before anything else. Because without me, Bushflash ceases to exist. A CMS is in the works, but time will tell whether it will all come to fruition...

I need to spend less time focussing on politics, and more on living life for a while.

And you- YOU- everyone of you- needs to do the same. Stop staring at your computers, all day.

Take a walk.

Listen to music.

Read a book.

Hug and kiss your significant other, like there's no tomorrow.

Go out, and see this brilliant, colorful, and wonderful world, and for "Bob's" sake, enjoy it, because it's all we have.

Bush and his cadre might be intent on destroying the world, and crushing humanity- that doesn't mean you have to follow him, and destroy yourself.

You're the most important and powerful person in the world, right now- never forget that.

More creative stuff is to come...

In my latest post, I lamented that I had been suckered into a culture of hate- Today, we saw the passing of a man who not only embraced a culture of hatred, but took it upon himself to bring that hate to the national level.

I could write a full eulogy about what this man did to divide america- to pit us one against another in a feverish orgy of bigotry, but I shan't.

I want this man to be forgotten. I want his works to be stricken from the memory of mankind, and I would rather he be forgotten entirely, rather than be turned into another icon of humanity's betrayal to his follow men, alongside the Quislings of the world...

Jerry died, hating what we are.

I will live, loving what we are.

"This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love."

-Martin Luther King

I apologize- in times past, when I have attempted to relate what is going on in my head, I have gotten numerous e-mails complaining that "this isn't about you." I am reminded that indulging in introspection online is indicative of the worst that blogging has to provide. I'm told that I should just shut up, and get back to doing animations. I'm reminded that talking about myself is gross self-indulgence.

Well- many apologies- but despite a multi-year effort to find someone to help me set up a CMS to make this site more inclusive, I still find myself sitting, alone, in my home office, running this site, solo.

When you come to this site, you're coming to see me- and there's something you need to know...

I've been struggling with clinical depression, my entire life. I've been through the gamut of treatments, quack doctors, and have thrown a dozen different medications down my throat, none of which ever did much good. I could tell you stories...

A doctor that was a dead ringer for Borat Saggdayev, who distinguished himself by never blinking during our half-hour consultations. Another well-meaning doctor put me on a pill that induced panic attacks and rapidfire, routine vomiting. Another doctor, yet, who said that my problems were a result of a fear of the female breast (I'm still trying to figure that one out- he was constantly drenched in sweat, and suffered chronic episodes of bodily spasms that were frightening to behold- during one of our consults, his apopleptic shaking induced rapid-fire farting- parhaps the most edifying spectacle I've ever witnessed in my life.)

Clinical depression is damned horrible thing. You know you have no right to feel as bad as you do. You're drenched in the love and attention of your friends and family, but you feel unworthy of that attention, and hate yourself for causing these people such troubles and hassles. You know that you shouldn't feel bad, because there are people far worse off than you, but you can't stop feeling bad, and you hate yourself all the more...

You sleep 15 hours a day, and your days go by in a quick flicker of day after night, feeling detatched from the world that is passing by outside of your window.

What's worse is that the science of the mind is still in its infancy- there are about two dozen drugs in the market for depression, and they all are essentially the same chemicals, sold under different names. I don't mean to sound like a scientologist, but 90% of the shrinks out there have no idea of what they're talking about, and have even less knowledge of what they're diagnosing. I don't claim to be a genius- they're just incapable of admitting how little they truly know, out of pride.

In 2001, I had finally found a doctor that had earned my respect. Despite all of my reservations, I was on a course of medication that was helping, and for the first time in many years, I felt that the future held promise.

Until the leadup to the war in Iraq.

My last visit to the doctor saw me breaking into uncontrollable sobbing in her office. I was trying to describe to the doctor what was coming- when I told her about all the Iraqi kids that were going to be born with their brains outside of their heads because of the depleted uranium we were going to be dropping on Baghdad, I lost it.

I'm not afraid, or ashamed, to admit that as the tears rolled down my face, I felt so powerless, so small, so insignificant, and so damned pathetic.

I'm sure many of you- even those who are perfectly healthy, and have never dealt with depression know how I felt, at that moment.

It was in those days that I created the first of my animations, and laid out the foundations for what was to become Bushflash.com. At the time, I was still able to afford the medication that had kept me going, for the better part of two years, but alas...

At that time, I was unemployed, and in time, was unable to continue my medication... I was fine and dandy, though, because I had discovered a new drug:

Hate.

Many is the time in the past few years when I've gotten e-mails from right-wingers who were so consumed by apathy and self-delusion that they had no recourse but to call me a man "consumed by hate."

It's not like I had a reason not to be. In the times in which we live, there is so much to hate. When I saw the bombs raining down in Baghdad, I could not help but hate those who put the machine of war into motion. When I saw dead bodies floating in the streets of New Orleans, I could not help but hate those who neglected my fellow american citizens. When I saw John Bolton, Condoleeza Rice, and Donald Rumsfeld wiping their collective asses with the writ of world opinion, I could not help but hate.

And therein lies the trap- Bush, Rice, Bolton, Rumsfeld, and the rest of these callous bastards, along with their brain-dead, complascent, and shrinking joyclub are not motivated by hate- they are blissfully free of hate. Rather, they are motivated by a solipsistic need for gain, greed, and a self-aggrandizing callous indifference to anything remotely human.

We do not hate out of choice, or any wish- it is our only recourse, when we witness everything we hold dear being raped and stolen, before our eyes.

But hate, as Dr. King pointed out so eloquently, is a drug. It's worse than cocaine, more ruinous than heroin, and more destructive than methamphetamine. As with any other drug, indulging in hate, in time, becomes your world, your existence.

Coming online, every other day, and detailing how I hate these (let's be totally and bluntly frank) fucking alien, heartless bastards who run our country is exhausting, and is poisoning my soul. (Oh- you have a problem with me saying "fuck"? Oh- I'm sorry- I guess a four-letter word is far more offensive than 655,000 dead people, killed with our tax dollars- sounds like a personal problem, to me...)

You see, like any other drug, like depression, hate consumes you, and before you know it, hate is all you know.

I have been self-medicating myself with hate and cigarettes for the past four years. However- clinical depression, combined with hate, is a goddamned deadly combination.

A few of you might have been wondering why I've been updating, so infrequently, in recent days- it's because I'm consumed with hate.

I hate myself. I hate seeing another day come. I hate having to eat- having to breathe, having to see another day pass. I smoke, constantly, even though breathing hurts. I most likely have lung cancer, and even though every drag of a cigarette hurts, I keep sucking them back, because I hate myself, and want to put myself to an end.

I'm pretty sure that a few right-wing blogs will catch on to this, and trumpet the news: "Eric's crazy- he's gone and admitted it! This proves it- Liberals just hate life!"

Yeah- I'm crazy, and Ann Coulter's sane. Discuss...

The bottom line is- at a certain level, I know that life is about joy, not anger. Dr. King, and so many others have taught us that life is about courage, not fear- I just want so much to understand and know this courage.

Life, I know, MUST be about love. As much as our culture tells us that life is about having money, owning cars and houses, and having our favorite NFL team winning the superbowl, all of that is bullshit (oops- another four-letter word enters the scene- suck it up.) I've been alive for 37 years- and I can count the days I've been truly happy on the fingers of my hands- and those few fleeting moments of happiness are remembered, unashamedly, with love.

I just hope I can reject my addiction to hate, and re-connect with this universal power, before it's too late...

Thanks for being here, and I hope this ramble made sense.

In my last update to this site- I made an error, comparing "American Loyalty Day" to crystallnacht...

Now, as always, I will shuck off the moral ambiguity that folks like Bill O'Reilly and Michelle Malkin use to defend their irresponsible comments, and just own up...

"American Loyalty Day" was actually a false holiday, invented by right-wing anticommunist american legislators in the 20's. Ya see, back in the 20's, "Communists" were the boogeyman-du-jour. Back then, people were told that if you just shut up, and followed what the government fed you, you were a "Loyal American."

If your newspaper didn't print articles about pesky unionists demanding decent pay and workplace safety, you were a "Loyal American." If you were an oligarch with enough cash to throw around that you could convince the president of the united states to slaughter striking workers, you were a "Loyal American"

Because- back then, if you didn't toe the American line, then the unions win. And then- the Bolshevists win.

You know- the Bolshevists- those dirty, uneducated huns, from the uncivilized steppes of wherever- some of them live in caves, and the bombed cities of Europe. They had big beards, unsettling ideas, and were set to take over the world! Look at that asiatic Lenin, and then gaze upon Eugene V. Debbs- they're one and the same, I tells ya!

Naturally, in days such as those, it was only natural to supplant May 1st, the international worker's day, and declare it as a faux plutocrat nightmare holiday: American Loyalty day.

As nonsensical as all of this sounds, it would make perfect sense to the average 1920's american- no- scratch that- it still makes sense, today, for far too many people. After all, no one has ever gone broke by underestimating the intelligence of the average american. Love authority- hate rebellion, and dissent. Be Loyal- Be Vigilant- BEHAVE...

Here's my answer to "american loyalty day:"

Arise ye workers from your slumbers
Arise ye prisoners of want
For reason in revolt now thunders
And at last ends the age of cant.

Away with all your superstitions
Servile masses arise, arise
We'll change henceforth the old tradition
And spurn the dust to win the prize.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

No more deluded by reaction
On tyrants only we'll make war
The soldiers too will take strike action
They'll break ranks and fight no more

And if those cannibals keep trying
To sacrifice us to their pride
They soon shall hear the bullets flying
We'll shoot the generals on our own side.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

No saviour from on high delivers
No faith have we in prince or peer
Our own right hand the chains must shiver
Chains of hatred, greed and fear

E'er the thieves will out with their booty
And give to all a happier lot.
Each at the forge must do their duty
And we'll strike while the iron is hot.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

So comrades, come rally
And the last fight let us face
The Internationale unites the human race.

(Before I get into the particulars, I feel I should let ya'll know that Monkey boy declared today "American Loyalty Day." Hope you wore your armbands, and broke a few windows- extra points for burning down a mosque!)

Looking back, I remember how the entirety of the corporate media were mesmerized by the swaying of this idiot's generously-padded crotch, and spent so much time, well- for lack of a better term- soiling themselves in adoration. It was a disgusting display- vaguely reminiscent of how a beaten and wounded beta feral dog will roll in it's own feces to ingratiate itself to the packs' leader. If you can't remember the particulars of that grotesque media display, the folks over at Media Matters have generously provided a comprehensive archive of the nonsense that was being shoved down our collective throats...

Myself, I knew that day would come back to haunt this criminal administration, and those who had rolled over so willingly- unfortunately, I also knew that such a come-uppance would result only after thousands upon thousands of innocent people died. Thus, I cannot take any joy in knowing that we were right, and the corporate media noise machine was wrong. (I'll leave it to the right wing to play a "point game" with the lives of so many people.)

We have to remember this shameful display- it should be frozen within our minds, as a fly within amber. It was a pivotal moment at the birth of our new century, in which all judgement fled, and we as a country were all to content to be ignorant.

Let us never let this happen, again.